Surprise your lover with the Happy Valentines Friends and Lovers DVD that you get absolutely FREE!
No Purchase Necessary. You only pay for packaging materials and actual shipping cost! (£2.95).

Special offer valid until 15/02/2006

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A gay guy goes into a deli and asks for a large liver sausage.

The girl behind the counter asks if he would like it sliced.

The gay guy replies 'What do you think my arse is luv, a money box'?

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A new Royal Mail stamp depicting a clitoris has been withdrawn from sale. It proved unpopular with men who seem to have had problems licking it properly.

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Hot Sex Screaming

She moans as you fuck her!

Let's face it every one wanks.

But if you want to take your masturbating to the next level then read on...

Made from ‘Virtual Touch’ rubber that is very soft and warm to the touch and is hand coloured for added realism. The inside of the masturbator has a squirmy action that massages the shaft of your penis while the top of the masturbator contains a high-powered vibrating bullet.

Sounds good doesn't it?

But the best thing about this masturbator is the screaming function. Turn the screaming on and you will hear a girl’s voice moaning...

And when I say that the Hot Sex Screaming masturbator actually moans as you fuck her I don't mean she says things like:

  • You're drinking too much.
  • Why don't you ever tell me you love me?
  • You always cum too quick.
  • Have you got a rubber on?
  • There's no way you're sticking it up there!
Realistic Cock!

Adam had'm, so he did, right enough!

Adam was the first man so we're led to believe,
T'was in the Garden of Eden where he bumped right into Eve,
There was no one to show them but they quickly found the way,
And that's the very reason why we're singing here today.

The shortest poem in the world is:

Adam had'm.

But this is a loooooong cock!

The realistic 8 inch Adam's PleasureSkin cock is generously sized and hand-crafted for full penis detail. PleasureSkin rubber feels extremely realistic to the touch and is also firm like an erect penis. A massive pair of balls adds to the effect.

Take it for a test ride...

Sexy Girls

Free Girl Masturbation Movie

Check the First Time Video Girls site out!

There are some seriously sexy girls on this site but what makes it so good, is the photographic quality which is way above average.

Near the top of the page is a thumbnail image marked Video 2 Real Masturbation. It's totally free, so calm down. It's a movie clip of georgeous sexy girls masturbating...

If you watch it and are not wanking yourself or at least RIGID by the end, then sorry but you must be asexual or gay.

It's got everything, dildos, fingers up arses, squirting, and the girls are not just doing it for the camera. You can see they are enjoying masturbating, if any thing, they are oblivious to the camera! Faces contorted in lust, frigging away at their pussies... Excellent!

Strawberries and Cream

An Innovative Sex Toy

The Strawberries and Cream is a small, soft multi-speed jelly butterfly vibrator that can be strapped to you using the harness supplied.

Like a Polo, what makes it interesting is the hole. Now what could you poke through that hole? Follow my drift?

And just in case you lack imagination, it comes with a 5.5" vibrator. Or you could see if a penis could get through...

Also, it's nicely packaged and so it should make a nice gift for Valentines Day!

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Great Porn DVD

Best Fucking Session I've Seen...

I bought this porn DVD Huge Cock Seductions Vol.14 some time ago and I thought I'd tell you about what a little gem I've found.

Amazingly the best fucking session is on the Bonus menu.

The chick is a slim young thing and she gets the shit fucked out of her by two guys. One of the guys is balding but has a very big cock and massive swinging balls on him.

They fuck her every way for ages but what makes this so brilliant is that the girl is not faking her enjoyment. She squirts when she comes and her knees go and she shakes and almost loses control of herself.

I would buy this DVD on this one scene alone. It is a very sexy fucking session that is absolutely top flight. My advice, buy it, watch it and wish that you could fuck that girl. Fantastic!

I even went onto Quality Adult Sex DVDs and wrote this review.

A few months on and my opinion of this DVD is unchanged. I have since learned that the girl goes by the name of Cytheria and is a very prolific porn star. She is simply one of the very best. More of her later...

Porn Video On Demand

Watch with brother

For those of you that do not want to keep hardcore porn DVDs around the house...

Try Bollockbuster Porn On Demand.

This makes good sense, whether it's curious kids, a snooping missus or the in-laws. Keep your dark filthy side secret and do it on your computer.

They'll think you're working hard, so you'll get 'house points too'!

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The latest version of Cluedo now reflecting the society we live in...

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My little boy got lost at a large shopping mall.

He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my dad"!

The cop asked, "What's 'e like son"?

My little boy replied,

"Beer and women with big tits".

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I got an invitation to go to France through my letterbox the other day...

A French Letter with cum in it.

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A little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working, and asks him "Daddy, what's Sex"?

"OK" he thinks "This day was bound to come, and I am not going to let my little princess learn about Sex from the streets".

So, he sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees. He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs. He tells her about puberty, menstruation, erections, wet dreams.

Then she asks: "Daddy, what is "A Couple"?

And he carries on, a couple are the two people involved in the sex, but this can be two males also, where they penetrate from the ass, or two females which we call lesbians, where they use the tongue on the vagina..., and goes on to describe masturbation, oral sex, group sex, pornography, bondage and rape, pedophilia, sex toys etc...

The father finally asks: "So why did you want to know about "a couple" and "Sex"?

"Oh, mummy said lunch would be ready in a couple of secs"...

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Clit MassagerThe vibrating clit massager is much more than a simple vibrator. With its soft jelly lips you can suck away at your clitoris by squeezing the hand suction pump supplied. The closest thing to oral sex without a partner! Features a full multi-speed control unit.

This product has been a top seller for over two years!

Here's a review:

I pushed the vibrator so hard against my pussy... i have never been so wet in my life, the juice dribbled everywhere! every girl should have one of these!! the suction pump sucks and sucks at your clit like you wouldnt believe.. mm.... i'm wet just thinking about it!!

Judging from the above review this is a hot one for the girls

First Ovary - "Did you order an organ"?

Second Ovary - "No, why"?

First Ovary - "Well, there's two nuts out there trying to push one in here".

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First slapper: "God, My mouth feels like a bird cage"!

Second slapper: "I'm not surprised, you had a cock or two in it last night"!

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The Double Penetrator looks a serious bit of kit. If your partner likes DP (both holes filled at the same time), then look no further. It's Vac-U-Lock too so you can attach it to your favourite harness. Please remember to use plenty of lubricant and send me the pictures...


A new use for the drug?

A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets a horrible sunburn.

He goes to the hospital and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed in the emergency room with second-degree burns.

He was already starting to blister and in agony.

The doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, a sedative and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, rather astounded, said, "What good will Viagra do him"?

The doctor replied "It will keep the sheets off his legs".

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X-Man Black Dildo

So good it was sung about by Johnny Cash

Well, I left Kentucky back in '49
An' went to Detroit workin' on a 'sembly line
The first year they had me puttin' wheels on cadillacs

Every day I'd watch them beauties roll by
And sometimes I'd hang my head and cry
'Cause I always wanted me one that was LONG AND BLACK.

X-Man Black DildoThe X-Man Black Dildo is one of the best selling dildos. It's a beauty, with a lovely heavy feel to it, rather like an old fashioned cosh. Because of the balls it can be used in conjunction with a harness for some serious strap-on action.

No wonder Johnny wanted one...

Three nuns went to the Mother Superior and said "Mother, we are all with child".

The shocked Mother Superior managed to gasp "But how could this happen"?

The nuns with heads bowed replied "Benny dicked us"!

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First old whore: "If I've been up those stairs once today, I've been up them fifty times".

Second old whore: "Oh, your poor feet".

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Penis Enlargement

January is traditionally the month when a guy's thoughts gently turn to penis enlargement...

You show me a guy who has never thought he would like a bigger penis and I'll show you a guy with a six inch plus penis!

So, I thought I'd bring to your attention what appears to be the best deal out there. Anyway, it looks the most likely to work...


A young man goes into a chemist and asks for some condoms.

The guy behind the counter says "I'm sorry, we haven't got any, have you tried Boots"?

The young man replies "I want to slide in not march in"!

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The big difference between sex for money and sex for free, is that sex for money usually costs less.
~ Brendan Francis, Playboy, 1985

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Top 3 Vibrators

The top three best selling vibrators Christmas 2005

Pearl RabbitIn first place, the Pearl Rabbit is one of the worlds best selling vibrators.
Experience the sensation of dozens of pleasure balls moving around inside you whilst the separate rabbit shaped thumb probes your anus or clitoris. Complete with multi-speed vibrating control.
Also known as the Roger Rabbit vibrator or Jack Rabbit vibrator.

The RabbitIn second place, The Rabbit. This new and improved rabbit vibrator takes all the best bits of the old rabbit vibrators, improved them and came up with the new, ultimate The Rabbit vibrator!
The Rabbit is a fantastic vibrator that has a wireless integral battery compartment powered by 4 AA batteries so it runs longer, features free flowing pearl beads for extra stimulation and is extremely quiet and powerful.

Double BunnyIn third place, the Double Bunny. vibrator has double the fun with two side-mounted vibrators to stimulate your most erogenous areas.
The shaft of the vibrator is realistic in shape and contains dozens of 'pearls' that squirm around inside the shaft while the shaft rotates deep inside.
The shaft rotation can be reversed at the touch of a button and all functions are full multi-speed.

It would seem that the rabbit style vibrators are still the most popular vibrators on the market.

When a man goes on a date he wonders if he is going to get lucky. A woman already knows.
~ Frederike Ryder.

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The cheque's in the post.

No. I won't cum in your mouth.

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Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
~ Mae West.

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If your feeling frustrated/horny/rich (all or any of the three) I have a bit of good news for you...

Quality Adult Sex DVDs have got a special offer on until the end of January 2006.

Buy 3 DVDs Pay for 2 DVDs...

That means one DVD (the cheapest) is FREE!!!!!

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I asked a mate of mine what he'd got his wife for Christmas.

He replied 'A pair of slippers and a dildo'.

Upon seeing the look of confusion on my face he ventured...

'If she don't like the slippers she can go and fuck herself'!

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They arrive at the Pearly Gates and form an orderly queue in front of Saint Peter.

Saint Peter greets them and explains the terms of admission into heaven.

He then says to the first nun 'Have you ever had any contact with a man's penis'?

The first nun replies 'I once touched one with my finger'.

Saint Peter tells her 'Then you must wash your finger in that holy water before entering Heaven.

Saint Peter says to the second nun 'Have you ever had any contact with a man's penis'?

The second nun replies 'I once touched one with both my hands'.

Saint Peter tells her 'Then you must wash both your hands in that holy water before entering Heaven.

With that the fourth nun pushes past the third nun and shouts out 'If you think I'm gargling with that holy water after she's washed her arse in it'...

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