Woman: "Officer! I've been graped!"

Policeman: "Don't you mean raped?"

Woman: "No, there was a bunch of them!"

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Every year many guys from England go off to Holland for a weekend break. A stag do or something like it... I am going to assume that you are going to Amsterdam in a group. I have been on my own several times and still fucked hookers but it's generally more fun when there is a bunch of you. It's all about sharing your experiences.

1. When you arrive in Amsterdam, get to your hotel, unpack and then head off to the Red Light Area. Establish a 'Command Centre' in the Red Light Area in a cool bar such as the 'Old Sailor' or the 'De Burgh' or 'Hill Street Blues' or 'Stones Cafe'. That way, you can listen to cool music and take in the atmosphere while preparing yourself for action. Your first hooker is the hardest, many guys never pass this hurdle.

2. Have a few beers. It's called 'Dutch Courage' for a reason... Just remember that a couple of pints stops you blowing your load in ten seconds. Eight pints just stops you blowing your load. Full stop.

3. Go out from the 'Command Centre' singularly or in groups of two. Work individually, we all have different tastes and different agendas, don't be rushed or cajoled. The time to share the experience is after mission accomplished...

4. Take time to find the right girl - many guys make this mistake. For many this is a 'one-off' that will probably never happen again. Choose someone that is at least as good as you have ever pulled and hopefully much better. Spend at least one hour trawling the alley-ways looking... It's a lot of fun just looking!

5. When you approach the girl, be respectful. She's seen thousands of arse holes and hates them. Say hello, tell her she's pretty, ask what's the price and then most importantly, ask what you get for the price. I always ask how many positions you're allowed. If they say only one, move on... Most prostitutes are in it for money but some are in it to satisfy a lust for sex. It's the later that you are looking for. They are the 'Holy Grail'.

If they say 'Two' or 'Three' or even better 'however many you want' then you're onto something.

Normally, you'll be offered a 'Fuck and Suck', which is as good as it sounds.

6. I always ask for 'Doggy Style' position specifically. One, it's a favourite position of mine and since you'll be behind her, it implies a certain amount of trust. If she fucks 'doggy' then it's a big plus sign.

7. Ask specifically if she gets naked. Some think that you want to fuck a girl with her clothes on...

8. Wash. Even hookers find BO and smegma offensive.

9. When you get into the boudoir, compliment her and ask some general questions about her. Avoid references to boyfriends and family.

10. Contrary to popular belief it's NOT scary getting undressed in front of a pretty women that you are going to fuck. It's even easier if your are sporting a seriously hard cock!

11. Never fuck Bare Back. If she does that for you, then she probably does that for every punter. Please note that I have never heard of someone (that I know) catching a dose off a hooker but you cannot be too careful. Funny enough, I have heard of guys that I know catching a dose off ordinary 'girlfriends'...

12. Be prompt with your payment. Once that's over she'll relax and get on with giving you pleasure.

13. Strip off, lay back and think of a gland! She's in control and she will govern the speed of the proceedings. Do NOT try to 'Man Handle' her as she sucks your cock. If she wants to be touched, she'll tell you.

14. There's nothing better than making a hooker orgasm. If you've been lucky with your choice then it is possible this will happen. But don't worry if it does not. You've paid for your orgasm not hers!

15. If the girl has been pleasant and honest, part on good terms. Hookers are human beings too. Don't forget that. In fact, I'd go as far to say that most of the hookers I've met are very decent people indeed.

I would just like to add that there is something very naughty about fucking a girl that you only met minutes ago. If you connect mentally as well as physically then even better. Sex is a fantastic thing whether it's paid for or not. And believe me your cock does not care at all about the circumstances, financial or otherwise!

The first time I ever saw my current girlfriend she was wearing a very sexy and very tight pair of jeans.

I went over to her and asked "How do you get into those tight jeans."

She replied "You can start by buying me a few drinks..."

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Confucius say: Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day.

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Confucius say: Woman who stand on head, crack up.

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Confucius say: Rape is impossible, woman with skirt up can run faster than man with trousers down.

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An Erotic Story For Christmas

Enchanting Fairy Tales For Naughty Adults!

Naughty Fairy Tales Vol 1If you're wanting an enchanting and erotic read over the feastive season and the shops are closed, here's a great solution from Adult eBook Shop.

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They have Naughty Fairy Tales Vol 1 by Isabelle Rose on their site for only £2.00.

Here's a review:

Isabelle Rose has rewoven luscious tales from childhood and brought them scrumptiously into adulthood. I was intrigued and couldn't put the book down. Those that love fairy tales, will be sweating over these reinvented tales. Alice will keep you wondering what has truly been going on in Wonderland all these years since she has left. There's more to it than falling into a rabbit hole. Once you start reading, you'll find yourself plummeting into a world of delicious characters that will make you want to have a loved one near by.
~ Crymsyn R. Hart - Author of Immortal Desires

I've got a copy for my girlfriend and I might well read it too...

Porn-On-Demand For Christmas

You're never more than a few yards from filth...

For those of you that that will be away from home (visiting boring relatives) over the feastive season...

Take your laptop with you and if you feel the urge to watch some porn then you can stream the movies directly onto your computer. Just go to Bollockbuster Porn On Demand.

This makes good sense, whether it's curious kids, a snooping missus or the in-laws. Keep your filthy side secret and do it on your computer.

They'll think you're working hard, so you'll get "house points too!"

Any way, whatever you're up to stay safe and have a Happy Christmas.

Frank Leopald

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Have you ever wondered why condoms traditionally come in a packet of three?

The last time I wanted it three times was before I'd had it once...

A guy goes to his doctors with a serious farting problem.
The doctor gets the guy to remove his lower garments and lay down on the couch to be examined.
The guy farts just as the doctor is bending over him.
The doctor walks to the other side of the surgery and picks up a long pole with a large metal hook on the end of it and walks back menacingly toward the patient.
"Jesus! What the fuck are you going to do with that?" Yells the terrified patient.
"I'm going to open a few windows," replies the doctor.

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Crying Over Spilt Semen

You should not, it's good for you!

She was only the admirals daughter but her navel base was full of discharged semen.

A recent survey found that women who come (no pun intended) into contact with semen during sex are less depressed and less likely to attempt suicide than are women who have sex with condoms and women who are not sexually active. This lead one researcher to conclude that semen contains powerful—and potentially addictive—mood-altering chemicals.

They did not specify whether the point of contact, ie. throat, vagina or breasts made any difference...

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They have thousands of DVDs showing every legal aspect of sex.

Merry Fucking Christmas

A guy in a bar buys a pint, then takes a photo out of his top pocket, stares at it for a few seconds and then puts it back.

He does this every time he has a pint.

After the eighth pint the barman asks why he keeps looking at the photo.

He replies "It's a picture of the wife and when she looks good enough to fuck, I'll go home!"

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Fanny HillHere's another fantastic offer from Adult eBook Shop.

They have Fanny Hill by John Cleland on their site for FREE DOWNLOAD.

There's no catch here, take a look for yourself.

Among the most banned books of all time, Cleland's 18th Century novel got the author in trouble with many of the authorities. However, the quality of writing was so impressive, Cleland managed to wrangle a pension from one of the authority figures present at his trial (though he would then write far tamer stuff).

Lady Chatterley's LoverIf you like reading sexy stories or erotica, then you might like to know that Adult eBook Shop have Lady Chatterley's Lover on their site for FREE DOWNLOAD.

Now you cannot be fairer than that!

The publication of the book caused a scandal due to its explicit sex scenes, including previously banned four-letter words... Oh errrr!

The Nasty Hooker

Encounter with a filthy robbing bitch!

Hookers, Ladies of the NightSome years ago I went to the Southampton Boat Show with my mate Adrian. We had a B&B for the night organised and so, after spending hours looking at the boats, we went to a nearby bar to unwind.

Emboldened by a few beers and feeling the need for some female company (the bar was packed with geezers) I quitely asked a young barman if there were any hookers about. He looked at me in utter disgust and said in a loud voice something about he didn't use prostitutes... Everyone at the bar turned at looked at me, mirroring the barmans disgust.

Suitably chastened I returned to our table but the idea of having a hooker had not vanished. We left the bar and found a mini cab. If anyone is going to know where to find whores in a town, then a cabbie is a good bet. "Yes guys, you'll be wanting Derby Road" came the cheerful reply, "Jump in."

We drove off into the night and were not that far from the seafront when he started pointing out houses that were occupied by working girls as he called them. Not surprisingly we were a bit reluctant to knock on someone's door and aske for a shag. As often happens in situations like this, fate intervened. There on the corner we were just rounding were four girls. "They're working girls" the cabbie chipped in as he pulled up just past them.

We walked back to the girls and asked them (politely) if they were on the game and they said they were. The price was £20 for a fuck. We picked our partners and went into the house. Me in one room and Adrian in another.I paid the girl £20 and sat down on the bed.

I undid my boots and then lowered my trousers and pants, my cock already rising with anticipation. The girl walked over and reached down and caught hold of my cock. She gave it a few strokes and it was very stiff when she said "What the fuck are you smiling about?" I did not have time to think of a reply before she followed up with "You fucking cunt! I should glass you!" She had walked over to the far side of the room and picked up an empty beer bottle. Needless to say my erection had wilted and I was thinking "Shit, what sort of a nutter is she."

She strutted around the room ranting and raving "I'll cut your fucking prick off, you fucking cunt!" By this time I had retrieved my pants and trousers and was trying to get them back on without taking my eyes off the lunatic in front of me. That she was dangerous, there is absolutely no doubt in my mind. I was expecting to be attacked at any second.

With my pants and trousers back on but unbuttoned I decided to retreat holding my boots. As I left the room I called out to Adrian and went and sat on the front garden wall and tried to get my boots on. The nutty bitch came out with the bottle in her hand and continued to screech and menace me. She must have seen my attitude change when my boots were done up and Adrian appeared as she backed off and started going on about her "Frank upstairs." This was obviously the poor bastard that lives off her immoral earnings.

Me and Adrian walked off around the corner, Adrain was laughing, he'd had his end away and thought the situation hilarious. I was seething, I'd been robbed of £20 and assaulted. OK, it was only verbal but she would have gone physical if I'd made one false move. I felt like getting a large rock or something and smashing it straight through her front window. As it happened, a mini cab came round the corner at that very moment and we hailed it down.

It was a different cabbie but his attitude to hookers was ambivalent as well. "You've just been unlucky" he said, as if the horse I'd backed had just come in second. "I'll find you a good hooker." he offered. Sure enough, we had not gone far when he slowed and pointed to three girls. "I shag the one on the left every Tuesday" he said, "She'll not give you any shit". I got out the cab and off it went, Adrian wanted more beer and had offered to meet me back in the pub we left earlier.

I went up to the three girls and asked them if they were on the game. They replied that they were. I told them about my encounter with the nutter and they looked genuinely horrified. "It's girls like that, that give hookers a bad name" one of them observed...

"Don't you worry love, one of us will sort you out" another said, "Which of us do you fancy?" I picked the small one and we headed back up the road to her house. I went upstairs with the girl and went into her bedroom. It was all a bit seedy, the old carrier bag full of used condoms was slightly off-putting. But only slightly.

I stripped to the nude and she stripped but left her T-Shirt on. We started fucking on the bed and she was really getting into it. I had her legs up in the air and was looking down at my shaft going in and out. She must have realised I was a bit pissed and needed that extra something to get me off. Her hand reached for my swinging sac and carressed my testicles. That worked a treat and in seconds I was filling the condom with a rich helping of cream.

I got dressed leisurely as we chatted, she was actually a nice girl and restored my faith in humans and ladies of the night. After all we both enjoyed the sex and the girl had £20 to spend for fifteen minutes of her time. A good deal all round as far as I can see.

I made my way back to the bar and met up with Adrian. We had a great laugh over it. Adrian had had a good fuck with his whore as well, so I suppose I was just unlucky to come across The Nasty Hooker.

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Q. What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

A. A Lickalotapuss.

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